May Your Child Never Meet Someone Like You

When will this madness end?

Last year, a young woman came forward with allegations that the Danish comedian Jonatan Spang had abused her in 2019. She was just 15, and he was in his 30s.

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), rape and sexual exploitation, I am always interested in hearing another survivor’s experience. Thus, I followed the case closely.
What caught my attention was not the allegations but people’s reactions in the comment sections. Too many, “Get over it; it was many years ago,” “If it was true, why not report it then?” “She’s just trying to get money out of him because he’s famous.”

Once again, I witnessed the complete ignorance of sexual violence, lack of humility and victim-blaming.
The tendency to dismiss and mock survivors is extremely harmful because it exacerbates their traumatic experience.

According to Gabor Mate, trauma isn’t the event itself but what happens within us as a result, especially when we are left alone with it. Dismissing, gaslighting, shaming, or blaming survivors not only abandons them but deprives them of their human right to be seen, loved and supported.

Many survivors say that not being believed or being blamed was more traumatic than the event itself. I agree.
Being accused of lying or being blamed is, in my humble opinion, no different from being gaslit, which is emotional abuse.

As I like to say, being a sexual abuse survivor opens a gateway for a lot of ignorance and further abuse. The first slap in the face is the sexual assault, and the second is not being believed; the third slap is being shamed or blamed for someone else’s insanity.

When will this madness end?
Why are people quick to dismiss, shame, blame or accuse survivors of lying, yet perpetrators are given the benefit of the doubt?

How would you feel?

After reading the comments, I had to sit back a moment and decide how I was going to “tackle” the ignorance without getting overly emotional or wasting my time on people who obviously speak on matters they know nothing about.

Not only is it mind-boggling how quickly people are to shame and blame survivors, but the arrogance and lack of humility are appalling.

I decided to keep my emotions at bay by asking variations of the same reflective question: “How would you feel if this were your child and someone responded like you?”

Silence.

As expected, not one person replied.

I was not the slightest surprised because my question required them to humble themselves and think. And let’s be real, many appear to be incapable of that. People are quick to jump to conclusions because it requires minimal thought process.

The commentators’ silence highlights the need for societal reflection on how we respond to survivors and the importance of humility.

To those who accused me

As someone who wasn’t believed, was gaslit and blamed when I spoke up about my lived experiences, I know well the repercussions of scapegoating and social exclusion. For those exact reasons, part of my healing has been sending shame back to senders. Because the truth is, shame does not belong to the survivors but to the perpetrators and the fools who defend them.

In the letters I wrote to those who shamed and accused me, I didn’t ask reflective questions to make them think.
Instead, I wrote:

“I hope your child never falls prey to paedophiles and people treat them in the same disrespectful and unsympathetic manner as you did me.
I hope they are treated with respect, love, and support because that is how all survivors deserve to be treated, especially when sharing something as deeply traumatic as sexual abuse.”

Each letter ended with: “Shame on you.”

Ending note

People have too much to say about experiences they have not lived; I wish they would humble themselves and shut their ignorant mouths.

I will continue to speak uncomfortable truths and ask questions as invitations to think rather than judge and condemn survivors.

Silence always benefits the system, the predator, and those enabling, never the survivor.

If you’re a survivor reading this, I pray that you find the courage and strength to speak. Your voice matters, and it can be another survivor’s way out of darkness.
I know it’s not easy, but when we speak, it’s not only for ourselves; it’s for those who can’t and for future generations.

With love,
Jazzlyn